Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
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aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Just had my nails done!
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.