Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.

Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!

Me: 🙁

My chameleon: 🙂

[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]

“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Banned from driving.

*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?

Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.

I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter

At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.

Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half

Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.

“What do you know about atoms?”

“Very little.”

“Besides that.”

Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.

Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅

It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.

{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}

For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.

If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.

You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.

Papa john’s: order a pizza!

Mama john’s: we have pizza at home

Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.

They didn’t planet that way.

I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.

Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.

There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.

*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*

[titanic, 1912]

Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich

First mate: ICEBERG

Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave

*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead

When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.

It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese

THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed