Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?

I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.

me: (11 pm) 😴

me: (1 am) 😴

me: (3 am) 😴

me: (5 am) 😴

me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!

Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels

[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]

Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32

Me: shit

My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter

Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.

–Moms

My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??

Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends

Me: That’s not even a real number

Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do

i hope all of u get laid and not laid off this year. amen

What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.

Chick Peas can hummus one.

Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail

Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.

Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day

At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip

It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.

Me: what do you want for dinner?

3yo: nothing.

Me: you want cheese on that nothing?

3yo: yes please.

Me: did you like that movie?

Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.

me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign

booming voice from above: LOG OFF

me: that could’ve been anyone

If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.

me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished

CEO: yeah. like, twenty times

me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-

CEO: TWENTY TIMES

me: but-

CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-

“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.

Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.

Hear me out – fortune hotdogs

When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.

I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.

[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day

Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…