Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family

*doesn’t die

Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.

sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭

the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces

Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now

My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!

Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.

Moon: *throws shade*

You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart

Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!

Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10

me: oh my god!!! i just had the most amazing nap.

doctor: you were just under general anesthesia.

me: when can i go again?

just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos

I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.

I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.

It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.

this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person

When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.

Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!

15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.

Me: ……sooo handsome though..

My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”

Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.

Me: It’s my guide dog.

Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…

WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings

WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped

WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death

ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together

The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom

Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.

Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.

This kid is going places

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

*Starts new job*

Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂

Hallelujah started playing at church today

Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song

Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.

young jesus: mom where do babies come from

joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?

The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.