PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
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If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
ok like just. call me at this point
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.