Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[bear approaches]

friend: make yourself look big!

me: YOURSELF

My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.

You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.

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-Octopus preparing for a fight

[first date]

Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?

Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.

Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.

Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *reads a book* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *starts to sing*

D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*

Me: Man, I should have started with that.

The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.

Her: You are a good looking guy

My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird

My mouth: You too

My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers

Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend

Me: That’s a raccoon

Son:

Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you

5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.

There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.

[Inventing Canadians]

Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!

God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*

me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this

I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.

coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way

me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding

[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale

What a rip off.

There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.

remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s

My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.

Me: who ate all the cookies!?

Toddler: it was the ninja

Me: did you see the ninja?

6yo: well no it’s a ninja

I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit

I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions

Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth

[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO

I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.

“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”

– me, peeping at you in the shower

“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple

On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”

My son 🙋🏽‍♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”

Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.