Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”

mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format

yeah 😭

Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?

HDMI

“I’m on my way!”

-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes

one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man

[movie trailer]

IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES

*distant oinks and moo’s*

ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL

*dramatic music*

BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN

*slow piano music*

BEFORE HE HAD A FARM

*flying shot of rolling hills*

HE WAS…

*extreme close up*

YOUNG MACDONALD

[coming soon]

*first time seeing a musical

“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”

Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.

My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.

The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.

GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!

Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.

Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.

He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.

You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.

Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom

Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking

Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?

I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*

I have a type: disappointing

What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?

The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.

Me: Gimme that bread, daddy

Priest: It’s Father

I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”

He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.

4 hours it took me!

Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.

*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’

ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload

The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy