Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: How’s your drink?

Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though

Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake

Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.

[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.

Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.

*start packing up my battery collection*

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids

Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward

I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?

Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker

Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.

The glockness monster

Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom

ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?

A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.

Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.

grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything

Retired bakers have nothing to prove.

I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color

I’ll have a whiskey.

“On The Rock?”

Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?

[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]

“This one’s free, buddy.”

I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.

I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.

Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.

I faked a smile and gave him a bite.

Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.

I have no wife.

Yes, of course I love French films.

Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?

I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.

“Go ahead, caller. . .”

“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”

I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.

You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.

A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.

[while titanic is sinking]

me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol

Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?

2020: Haha you have no idea.

My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?

Me : Because a good employee is hard to find

If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”