FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
You Might Also Like
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
How do you milk an almond?
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
When he asks for feet pics
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.