Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.

Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you

(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)

Kid: You’re not a Dr!

Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?

Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.

I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!

HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.

I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.

I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.

[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]

Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs

Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.

“What are you going to wear today?”

Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.

[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it

Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?

Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.

If only

“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter

I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.

I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so

88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.

Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.

Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.

Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.

CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.

Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.

I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.

I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs

Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.

“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil

“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented

Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder

Hobbes: getting a second opinion?

Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it

Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes