Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit

WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?

ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.

GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up

ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.

When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.

But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.

LOOOOOOL

We take our 40% off sale seriously at

Huge if true.

Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?

Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?

You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.

If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”

it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw

Is “drunk” an emotion?

Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?

*steps on Lego*

*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*

*throws all Legos away*

*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*

[reverse psychology]

me: tell me about your childhood

therapist: *crying* where do I begin?

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*

Your fav movie?

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: It

Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!

I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda

When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie

I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.

“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant

it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve

When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.

Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.

*Becomes a black hole*

*Only absorbs corndogs*