Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”

I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’

Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.

How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.

Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”

Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …

Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation

Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.

– me as a therapist

Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.

I can still remember that one Friday night when I had too much to drink and accidentally sexted my aunt ten minutes ago

When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”

I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭

If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.

FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend

Jesus: love your neighbor

Me: aw thanks, yours is also great

Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.

Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?

Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too

When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.

[at work]

me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME

me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die

friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid

me: wow, that’s hardcore

(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)

And another thing!

Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?

Wife: why do you ask?

Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.

Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.

Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.

Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here

Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”

Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.

Clock: oh shit, I am

Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast

Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.