Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
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Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.