Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
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i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
a public service announcement
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Hear me out: WrestleVania
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.