Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know

Like sleeping!

If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..

Keep. Him. 😂

When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.

My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane

[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.

I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.

Spotted in the wild

My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.

Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework

Me: -holds up yellow

Me: What color is this?

4: McDonalds

The end

Me: I’ll have a small drink.

Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.

Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!

The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.

Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?

My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.

Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.

Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.

Person: Home decor is a niche market.

Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.

Haven’t had a conversation like this in months

As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.

The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work

Costco ….

Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….

and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.

Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.

Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.

Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.

Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?

Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.

Me: who ate all the cookies!?

Toddler: it was the ninja

Me: did you see the ninja?

6yo: well no it’s a ninja

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder

[millipede preschool]

head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…

What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school