Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
You Might Also Like
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Yup!
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
This is so messed up and I love it 🤣
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough