Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
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My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
A completely valid reaction tbh
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
This did not end as expected.
How to wake up a Beagle
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.