Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
I have so much to offer. It’s all bad, but still
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
selena gomez
Glasses
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
