[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
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Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Don’t tell me what to do
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Choose your fighter
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
was Jim off killing horses or…
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?