Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.

I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.

What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?

Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me

[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]

The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…

Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.

Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison

Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no

“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.

Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.

Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*

Boss: that is NOT a costume..

Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists

Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.

Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.

The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.

Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.

My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂

[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT

*Struts like a peacock*

I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep

Cw – it was 10 minutes long!

Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper

“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.

I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”

Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”

12: This apple tastes funny.

Me: That’s because it’s a peach.

Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.

[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all

Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.

Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified

Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!

– Nuns N’ Moses

(I’m so sorry)

“To each their own”

Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.

Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs

My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.