Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch

MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying

Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?

No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.

My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.

I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.

– Viagra addict

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist

[trying to ride a horse]

ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!

GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children

*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—

When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.

It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.

*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.

Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

. : can i have that?

me: have what?

: : thanks

me. wait

⠸ : yoink

me stop that

I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it

If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices

It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.

Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.

[1st date]

WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?

HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*

DRACULA: *just glares at her*

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: 24 glasses of milk

Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?

Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag

A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?

*on the phone*

Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.

Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.

M: How long will it be?

H: Uhh, a foot?

M: …

even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen

A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.

[Studying for his history test]

10: I wish I was born in the 1800s

Me: Why?

10: I’d have less history to learn

I love you to the refrigerator and back

I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house

Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.

10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.

I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.

Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.

Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder