Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly

Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”

No, I haven’t seen any dogs

A huge thanks to the person that did this

Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:

Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe

How to cow tip:

First, sneak up behind the cow.

Next, get into a wide stance.

Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.

Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea

Fish in the sea:

My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist

The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons

Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask

Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me

Husband: But it’s just us and we are home

Me: *tightening mask*

I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.

Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.

Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.

Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.

me, flirting: did it hurt?

her: what

me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face

I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.

My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]

“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”

Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude

Friend: What type of dr?

Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars

I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.

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HEYYYY MACARENA

[Watching Netflix]

ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.

HIM: What??

ME: What?

A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”

why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.

As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.

If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.