Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well

I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.

I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting

Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?

Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’

“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”

There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.

them: talk is cheap

me: two talks please

WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.

Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.

[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.

10,000 chores when all you need is a nap

[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]

Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come

This recipe takes only 30 minutes.

3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.

Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*

I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.

My 7-year-old wrote this joke:

What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.

I’ve never been more proud.

Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.

Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?

COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think

It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.

penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling

In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.

3: I know what’s keeping me awake

Me: What?

3: The air

Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix

“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.

ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps

My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline

People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete

Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–