Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical

ME: Oh no

SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut

Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread

Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?

Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development

my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music

there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter

I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.

Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?

“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”

-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.

“Just put mom on the phone”

I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”

If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.

This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.

Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️

My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.

I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.

When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”

*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is

I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.

interviewer: why’d you leave your last job

me: i heard a loud noise

interviewer: wow what was it

me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired

[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]

Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.

*crowd gasps

$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS

1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS

boss: you know what’s weird

me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?

boss: how the flin— yes exactly

Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.

Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks

“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve

Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood

When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.

Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers

Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.

Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.

The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it