my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kids
my quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
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I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
“guns don’t kill people, guns CREATE people!”
*fires 10 newborn babies out of a bazooka*
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
1 Buy a racehorse
2 Hire a TMZ reporter as the jockey
3 Tell him a minor celebrities is drunk at the finish line
4 Win literally every race
Aliens: “Take us to your leader”
“Look we’ve made some mistakes”
“It’s been a weird year, half of us are morons”
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
4 words. 5 syllables. Easy to say. Hard to prove. ”I am a zebra.”
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids