@Tmoney68

[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]

Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.

And Monopoly was born.

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@nash_official

my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kids

my quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden

@MelvinofYork

I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.

@Fred_Delicious

“guns don’t kill people, guns CREATE people!”
*fires 10 newborn babies out of a bazooka*

@hyperblastchic

I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.

No YOU’VE been drinking.

@robfee

1 Buy a racehorse
2 Hire a TMZ reporter as the jockey
3 Tell him a minor celebrities is drunk at the finish line
4 Win literally every race

@TechnicallyRon

Aliens: “Take us to your leader”
“No”
“What”
“Look we’ve made some mistakes”
“Just take…”
“It’s been a weird year, half of us are morons”

@tennisonok

Me: can I buy you a drink?

Girl: no

Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right

@GroovyCheese

4 words. 5 syllables. Easy to say. Hard to prove. ”I am a zebra.”

@JohnLyonTweets

IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.

Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.

@Gupton68

Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children

Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids