[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
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The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.