Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.

Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*

Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?

Wife: do you even know his name anymore?

Me: yes wife of course I know his name.

I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.

*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives

My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.

My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.

Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.

I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.

Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.

Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)

If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.

The old gods are rising again.

wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh

No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!

For all I know, you could be a vegan.

Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.

[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.

People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.

I fucking love Gary Larson so much

No, Autocorrect ….

the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –

though she can be devilish at times.

My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.

My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.

[shakes fist at other fist]

My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends

Don’t let herpes become yourpes.

APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too

Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.

As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.

Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part

Owen Wilson: wow

Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”

Owen Wilson: wow

If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..

“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”

We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.