Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉

#nofilter

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/FsXVgkCWYAEc4-0.mp4

I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.

When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.

me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete

dracula: vie

me: for a crossword puzzle

Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.

A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.

marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does

yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case

{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?

me: a beloved member of my family died

college professor: show me the body or take the quiz

I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.

How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more

I fought the law* and the law* won.

*duvet cover

I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right

Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.

i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is

I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today

Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.

I need to wipe.

being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired

Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online

I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.

Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.

It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.

coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys

My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.

If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.

Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”