Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack

me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea

[10pm]

me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea

I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.

A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.

I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”

To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”

It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”

I need a chiropractor for my brain.

elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]

Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.

If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too

This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..

This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available

When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!

Him: I’d like to hear you scream.

Me: *screams like a banshee*

Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.

Him: You are a souless ginger.

Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.

Him: Funny!

Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.

Him: *nervous laugh*

Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation

Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations

My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.

Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.

Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy

ME: I shot a man in Reno–

YOU: Just to watch him die? haha

ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.

When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you

Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.

Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.

The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.

When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.

It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.

Interview Tip #17

be polite and maintain eye contact

[later]

Interviewer: hello

Me: *staring intensely* yes please

Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.

Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.