[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
You Might Also Like
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here
Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.