PARKOUR
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Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?
My husband:
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
cat faces on other animals, a thread
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
but if i put my laundry away, the laundry chair will be out of a job
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?