“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test
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My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?