“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test
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Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.
Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?
Bernadette.
Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?
Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Don’t snitch tag.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.