“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test
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If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
God, I love Scotland
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.