“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test
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Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
😭😭😭😭
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?