Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
ouch
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
My yoga instructor: Do what feels good. Listen to your body.
My body: I want donuts.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
