Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Why call it a “step dad” when you could have called it a faux pas?
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
⚠️ Important Reminder:
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
