Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
