Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now

If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.

“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab

Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.

Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.

a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’

M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.

slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.

Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas

Everyone else: hold my beer

Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit

sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista

My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.

This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.

Husband: where you off to?

Me: bathroom

Husband: you have to pee again?

Me: no, I gotta cough

My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.

[Wonder Woman shows up]

Superman: Is she with you?

Batman: I thought she was with you?

Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today

*signing divorce papers*

Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*

I self medicate, therefore you live.

Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.

I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.

For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.

Ghost: Death is coming for you

Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous

People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots

Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.

[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd

Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.

Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!

I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.

A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?

Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.

5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.

Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™