Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
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what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?