Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
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I just got arrested for felonious mopery
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
i don’t get to travel very often but every time i do i really get to thinking: did anthony bourdain just have diarrhea for like 9 months of the year
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Oh sure so it’s okay for Jesus to raise people back from the dead, but when I, Victor Frankenstein,
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Counting your noodles demonstrates an affinity for ramen numerals.
The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this