Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
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Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
I got called to HR again for setting up mousetraps around my gross coworker that takes their shoes off
Be the reason someone burns sage.
shazam but for random noises outside
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
My husband and l have a secret to making our marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine, eat good food, and enjoy
companionship.
He goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN