“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
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Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
first you must answer his riddles
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Xylophonist Shredding It
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Unimpressed
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.