Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂

if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”

Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.

Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.

Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.

Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.

A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life

up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star

I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.

H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.

M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.

Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.

Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.

3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.

I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.

I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter

Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.

Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.

I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.

Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.

My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.

(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..

Tree:

Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house

Tree: oh no

Tree Doctor: you have humans

i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won

We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.

Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.

Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.

Me: They’re right.

*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*

Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon

Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle

Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.

This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.

What the world needs now is love, sweet love…

And an extinction level asteroid.

To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.

Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.