Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If twitter has taught me anything alot of us aren’t ready for a spelling bee

wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”

I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.

Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.

Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”

Ref: Call it in the air..

*flips coin*

Me: A QUARTER.

I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.

I wished that I won’t die a virgin.

Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes

*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*

Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?

Roman: Just the one, thanks

my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.

Alarm clock set for 6:00 am

Bladder set for 5:54 am

Active voice: I loved your book

Passive voice: Your book was loved

Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book

“What are you doing tonight?”

Gonna smoke some Herb.

“Nice.”

-guys who work in a crematorium

Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.

My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.

Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?

Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.

My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years

I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.

traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing

Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on

Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*

The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.

There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires

Me: *buying bug spray* Is this good for ants?
Clerk: No. It kills them.

Santa hasn’t brought any presents since I moved out of my parents’ house. What a dick.

*screaming at the smoke alarm*

DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???

Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.

pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest

me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x

pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here

me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands

NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.