PARKOUR
You Might Also Like
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
me: this is my horse, mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?