[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
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SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. whatâs another way?
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
My 2yo likes to âplay bedroomâ where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games sheâs come up with.
If yâall ever see me in designer…just know itâs fake or I stole it
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Not today. đ
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: letâs try a ball next time
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Sure the pilot says âfeel free to move about the cabin,â he doesnât mean it.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebeeâs might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said âmind your business, Morty,â before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, âyou too.â
Iâve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: letâs start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
I donât have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.