@drinksmcgee

[Park]

Parent 1: That’s my kid on the slide.
Parent 2: That’s mine on the swing.
Me: The one spray painting “Slayer” on that baby is mine.

You Might Also Like

@NicestHippo

[Crate and Barrel job interview]
“So why do you want to work here?”
DONKEY KONG [sweating]: I love interior design

@billmaher

New evidence shows #marijuana not only helps with cancer side effects but may fight cancer itself! Oh pot, is there anything u can’t do?

@alexlumaga

Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants

@midnightwhale

“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”

@PaperWash

donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!

waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-

[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce

@iGreenMonk

“Doctor, Doctor, You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking!”

“Do you drink a lot?”

“Not really – I spill most of it!”

@maliagif

boy: i wished girls liked sports
girl: i like sports
boy: oh yeah name the blood type of the seahawks coach from the 1990s

@jctsmileyone

No YOU let your kid think he could turn the traffic lights green with his mind powers until he was 10 yrs old!

@BoomBoomBetty

The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.

@PoonWhisperer1

The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild

* sleeps in middle of bed