[Crate and Barrel job interview]
“So why do you want to work here?”
DONKEY KONG [sweating]: I love interior design
Parent 1: That’s my kid on the slide.
Parent 2: That’s mine on the swing.
Me: The one spray painting “Slayer” on that baby is mine.
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New evidence shows #marijuana not only helps with cancer side effects but may fight cancer itself! Oh pot, is there anything u can’t do?
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
“Doctor, Doctor, You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking!”
“Do you drink a lot?”
“Not really – I spill most of it!”
boy: i wished girls liked sports
girl: i like sports
boy: oh yeah name the blood type of the seahawks coach from the 1990s
No YOU let your kid think he could turn the traffic lights green with his mind powers until he was 10 yrs old!
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed