Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..

Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.

Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.

Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol

So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.

Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.

It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.

#COVID19

Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.

Am I financially wealthy? No.

But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.

7yo: Ewwww. Why are you playing that music? The 90s are gross.

Also 7yo: Check out this new cool song I found from Nsync. It’s my favorite, and you are gonna love it, bro.

Woke up against my better judgment again

Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.

me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see

My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week

Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.

Creator of Etch A Sketch:

We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.

Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.

ME: I shot a man in Reno–

YOU: Just to watch him die? haha

ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.

I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home

[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”

Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.

My boss called in sick of me

Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.

My love language is Latin. It’s dead.

i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting

DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?

UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.

Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*

*Takes leash off feral dad*

Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.

*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*

BAD DAD! BAD!

*first time in a long time at the dentist*

Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.

Me:

Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.

This is no longer an app but a mishapp

Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.

Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.

Weirdly Wednesday.