*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
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Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.