Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.

Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.

[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]

me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time

shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?

me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe

it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong

I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…

DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?

{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.

i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me

I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..

Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.

When i get an oil change & they show me the oil stick thing like… ok???😭😭

Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭

My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?

Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.

Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!

My dad:

The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing

*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good

guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?

guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should

Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?

Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…

Helpful sayings when keys are lost:

“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”

Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.

You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.

When someone gives me a compliment I never know what to do with my arms.

Phone

Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.

Me: It’s okay. I’m up.

Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?

Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.

If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had

I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.

Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?

Dave: Death!

Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.

Me: *opening trunk*

Tied up Guy: ope

Me: omg this isn’t my car

Tied up Guy:

Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing

Tied up Guy: happens to everyone

Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry

I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.

Things that interrupt sex:

20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp

I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions

I love reading newspaper websites. The screen refreshing on its own 3 times in quick succession, the text disappearing halfway down the article, a random video advert suddenly filling the screen, the whole page unexpectedly closing for no reason. Great experience.