Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#inspiration #foodforthought

The Weeknd is back

kids: *having a rough day*

air-conditioning: *broken*

me: *sweaty and irritated*

underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap

ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?

I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about

Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.

Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”

Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”

Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”

Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.

me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong

waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good

me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow

Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone

Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!

*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*

I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”

I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions

And send

Meanwhile in Portland…

As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.

I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.

Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.

*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.

I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!

People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.

Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.

Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.

My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did

Watching movies with kids:

If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.

If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.

The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.

I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.

Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.