Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.

Mugger: give me everything you got

Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want

Mugger: ok nevermind

y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf

🎵 I can’t wait to

Don’t worry, guys. Together we can eliminate logic and reason on social media. I see some of you are already ahead of the game. Way to go

If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you

I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.

I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.

HEY JALAPENOS!

Me doing the macarena dance

I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud

4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare

me: me too. what was yours?

4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?

me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep

4: you know nightmares aren’t real?

me: yeah, I do

I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe

Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.

warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face

ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.

DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?

ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.

DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.

Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?

Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange

Me: *pulls sunglasses back*

LF: security!

Me: *runs*

My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA

Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”

Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.

WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.

3: Please move

Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English

3: Woof Woof

Thank Satan it’s Monday.

In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.

Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”

Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”

[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking

Good morning to everyone except my husband who deliberately slept whilst I didn’t.

I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is