@ArfMeasures

[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking

ME: Yeah, he’s interbred

DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread

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@Rollmaninoz

*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG

@NoogsCorner

After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.

@daplusk

Owls would be so much cooler if they could also say ‘are you’

@LuckyLea13

I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself

@MarfSalvador

cellmate: what are you in here for

me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold

@dreamthievin

You: make yourself at home

Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*

@KWalps

Me: *giving blood*

Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?