[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
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Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Does beer think about me too?
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me