STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking

ME: Yeah, he’s interbred

DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread

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*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG


After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.


Owls would be so much cooler if they could also say ‘are you’


I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself


cellmate: what are you in here for

me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold


You: make yourself at home

Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*


Me: *giving blood*

Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?