*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking
ME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
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After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Owls would be so much cooler if they could also say ‘are you’
Condoms prevent minivans.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?