Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.

Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.

During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive

After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.

Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me

The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.

Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…

WebMd: You’re gonna die.

Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.

*hears dogs bark*

“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”

instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..

37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.

[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted

I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.

“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”

-Netflix.

That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.

– Birds, probably

Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.

DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER

In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?

Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm

No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.

People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.

There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.

I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff

*hides some stuff

It’s maybe 35%

I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.

Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.

I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.

I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan

Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell