PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
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the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money
me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?
US: lmao
me: ?
US: are you serious
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
The booster protects against what, now?
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Buck naked
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Spoiler Alert: I was late
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.