Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture

Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.

My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it

– me flirting

I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!

No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong

The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.

Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.

Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.

Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-

Me: Is this even a garden??

You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle

My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.

Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.

A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.

Credit: Orawan Thongchinda

My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire

ME: I’d like a free burrito

CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free

ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together

Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie

A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.

guys i’ve cracked the code

Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”

Me: “That’s kind of the point.”

Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.

My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.

My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.

I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open

[Baseball game]

ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex

HIM: What? No, baseball came first

ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball

It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.

If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead

My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:

“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”

“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.