Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

thanks auntie mary

Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly

Me:

A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!

So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.

That’s shocking!! Hold on.

*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*

Ok. Go on.

In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”

Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.

Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”

My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”

You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.

My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time

It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.

any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously

BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home

ME: *slips him some money*

BOUNCER: What’s this?

ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you

[at the pearly gates]

I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.

If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.

It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?

what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?

Him: Do you swallow?

Me: Every time I chew.

A Short Story.

People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie

Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house

And that’s why Uber was created

me: dentist said the kids have the plague

wife: plaque

me: yes a memorial would be good

there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old

I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.

I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.

Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair

My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!

Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.

[pretend restaurant]

4-year-old: what do you want ?

me: pizza

4: we don’t have pizza

me: what do you have?

4: nothing

me: I’ll have nothing

4: we don’t have that

me: *throws table* this is bullshit!