Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[times square new year’s eve 30 mins before midnight] we should leave now and beat the crowd

Her: I heard you like to break the rules

Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.

In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.

Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.

ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.

so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised

that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi

It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨

I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.

Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?

Me: A lot.

After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.

If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.

~ Theresa May

“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”

Hi serious this is dad

“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”

HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!

When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.

[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?

Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.

WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?

ME: *climbing in* I can try

Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.

Those who do not remember the past are doomed to lose on Jeopardy.

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!

Criminal: Get outta my—

Rookie: STOP TALKING

TRUE STORY

Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.

me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster

gf: you know you could have just taken a photo

Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.

ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single

Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.

A chilling warning for the old people in my village.

too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk

“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.

The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical

Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”

If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.