[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
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I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Match dot com, but for socks.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?