Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
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[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
me adding lol on a serious message
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)