Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
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Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
PLOT TWIST:
December birthdays be like…
So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.
This is my life.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”
Saturday
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
These are so Plastic Man-core
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer