Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.

I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.

Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.

Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza

Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge

Me, a rhinoceros: nice

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat

The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’

I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?

[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]

90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.

Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.

They should invent clothes that get fat with you

A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.

Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.

Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign

My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.

I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘ride

I’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive

If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.

wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.

*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”

I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.

Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary

Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.

~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic

Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”

me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?

DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”

ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”

DOCTOR:……..

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?

Me: I tire easily.

Them: Follow your dreams!

Me: *goes back to school without pants*

I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?

Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.