I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
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anyone else like Italian cereal
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
guys i’ve cracked the code
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two