Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
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‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Who knew!
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
My love language is hissing.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit