parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
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can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
the answer was staring at me all along
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes