parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
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The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
The funk soul brother
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.