Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.

[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?

If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.

I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way

DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER

There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door

I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.

The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on

Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.

A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.

I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time

me: just tell me what to do

universe: *gives me a clear sign*

me: well that could be for anybody

Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.

It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.

I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.

If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.

Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother

Who did it better?

When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.

It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.

me: i recently lost my job

date: oh no what happened

me: the office relocated and i can’t find it

Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop

i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it

Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?

My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated

*wakes up in cremation oven*

Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*

Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave

Me: and the last piece?

Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao

I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.