Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
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GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.