Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.

Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)

I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.

During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.

16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.

26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.

36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.

I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.

This January has 47 Mondays

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Friend: It was yesterday.

I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.

If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently

Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.

My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:

“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”

People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.

“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”

THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊

What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?

Christopher Walken

*turns on alarm*

Alarm: I have a headache

My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.

One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning

If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?

when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.

6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down

[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”

vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash

*finally detangles ear buds

*plane lands

Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.

[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]

[Shipwrecked diary]

Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.

Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”

I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.