Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sometimes i miss this memes

It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.

Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.

*snowstorm rolls through*

*work closes*

Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”

*daycare closes*

Me: “I wish I was dead.”

My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.

You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.

Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question

card machine: insert chip card into reader

me: ok

card machine: do NOT remove card

me: uhh ok i wo-

card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT

If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.

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I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.

“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me

Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.

Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.

Training for a job is a bunch of people telling you “this isn’t how youre supposed to do this but this is how I do it” and then nobody tells you how you’re supposed to do it.

A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower

I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.

If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.

*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*

Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE

Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…

I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.

Good point.

Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro

Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?

I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.

Weather app: The dew point is 20.

Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.

THEM: are you willing to take a drug test

ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down

*gets up off bed*

*puts pants back on*

Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?

I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.