Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*

[opening birthday cards]

me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these

walmart clerk: put those back

me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it

5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks

My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.

Me: *about to go into a meeting*

My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”

you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous

Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–

–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!

When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth

put ‘er there pardner!

My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF

[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]

my phone: spam risk

My biggest fears are:

-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running

Covid like

*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*

I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.

I would never have a swear jar as

1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and

2. Imply that I have spare change.

It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.

Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?

Me: A terrified doctor.

The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.

[Job interview]

Employer: please explain the gap on your resume

Me: what…they were hiring

Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry

I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.

[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?

Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?

Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer

Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick

I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …

We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”

Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.

Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.