Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
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I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
We were playing a board game. My husband and 7yo were on the same team. My 7yo as she put her arm around her dad, “dad, can you smell that? That’s the smell of victory.” It was so cute watching them lose together after I took them down.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
wtf is an acronym
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
If you aren’t imagining that there’s a little fireman inside you releasing a fire hydrant with one of them big wrenches when you pee, what are doing?
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?